Changes

 

Feelings are a mixture right now. I am listening to my parents fight. I fought with my little sister. I was a bitch to her. Why do I do that?

I want to binge. I want to eat everything. I want to eat and throw up. Eat Eat and Eat, Im writing so I don’t go in to the kitchen, because how do I deal with stress?? I eat everything or I don’t eat at all.

That didn’t last long because what did I do???? Yea I went in the kitchen and got chips and fruit snacks…

Today I went in to Victoria Secret, I suddenly realized why our society has the problems we do. Naked pictures of woman everywhere, skinnier than hell. You can’t get away from it. So how do you beat it? Of course it’s not real but when it is staring you in the face its hard not to wish it.

The reality is, I can’t not eat anymore. I don’t have the strength, I don’t even have the want to not eat. When I am not eating or I am throwing up I feel like shit. I can’t find that middle balance either. The balance were I feel good about myself and I am not to skinny, not to muscular, or I am not to fat.

There is freedom in changing the way you think about food and Portion control. With intuitive eating it is possible to eat proportionally correct and even lose weight and build muscle. I am learning how to do this and now can determine my head aches… Am I hungry? Do I need more water? Is this a stress head ache?

I always tell my therapist that no matter what happens it is never okay with anyone, but maybe that is the point. My life will never be absolutely okay with everyone, but it can be absolutely okay with me because it is my life, and I choose my happiness.

I am going to choose to be happy because life is too short to be unhappy, and……No one likes to be around a grumpy K. Is there a reason to wallow in sadness for me? I can come up with 1,000 excuses to wallow, but I can also think of 1,000 reasons to be happy.

I guess what they say is true. It is a journey. It’s a process and re wiring your brain is hard. Especially when you have had an eating disorder for half your life.

The hardest things in life are worth it, and this is definitely one of those hardest things in life..

Well thank you so much for reading, sorry it is a little depressing lately. I am going through a lot of changes both good and bad. Just trying to manage all of them.

<3K

 

Anxiety 

I am exhausted and my anxiety level has been through the roof.

I can almost not speak when I experience this much stress and anxiety. I am locked in that concrete room screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to come and help me. I talk about this feeling in another one of my posts which you can find here.

I just don’t get it… How are you suppose to live without anxiety and stress. I don’t think it is even possible.

I am listening to this book right now called The DNA of Relationships and it talks about how you can’t take care of others needs when you are not taking care of yourself. It also talks about loving your neighbor as yourself, the second commandment, and it has made me think….. With the amount of hate I have towards myself, if I am able to re wire the brain and body that I have treated so horribly over the years and start to love myself,  how much more love would I be able to give away to others.

This book and my therapist has led me to examine how to start taking care of me and how can I re-charge myself with Gods love and grace in the daily.

That’s how I want to live. That’s why I am in therapy and that’s why I’m reading these books, to become the best version of myself that I can.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day!

<3K

 

Finding Happy When Overwhelmed

I feel extremely overwhelmed lately. Between my job and the wedding I’m about ready to lose it. My anxiety level has been through the roof this past week. I won’t bore you with the reasons why, but as to what it feels like to me to be overwhelmed. 

So first, I have had a pounding headache since Sunday morning. My ears are pounding. My teeth hurt, lets just go as far as saying my head feels like it’s going to explode. 

Physically I feel exhausted and worn down. I feel like I have to keep fighting with my mind to stay productive throughout my work day as this will make me feel better. My feet ache. My shoulders are tight, and I have the normal tightening in my chest were I feel I can’t breathe. 

I’m dizzy and spaced and at any moment I feel like I might throw up. 

As for internally, I’m trapped in a jail cell or a room with no windows or doors, just cement walls, pounding over and over for someone to come find me and let me out. 

Sounds glamorous right??

Great things are ahead and I’m sitting here freaking about what is going wrong or who is mad or displeased with me…. some may call it people pleasing, as my fiancé would.

People pleasing has been a way of life ever since I can remember. If your going to die inside well you just better do that in the comfort of your own bed, in the dark, alone. 

When did I become this way??? I’m not even sure. However, therapy had made me 100% sure that I am emotionally retarded. When feelings and emotions start to creep over an intense conversation, guess who checks out…. yep, this girl. 

So how do I fix this? I don’t know, more therapy? That is what I am going for right now. I’m learning to be vulnerable with people, well mostly my fiancé. He needs to know this crazy inside and out. I am full of surprises and different sides of myself. 

I remind myself of the girl Melanie Martinez sings about in a couple of ways: 


Hah when you’re so stressed you don’t know if you should laugh or cry, but you feel like your dying. 

Needing prescriptions to get over some serious shit and deal with the anxiety that comes along with it, family says “the pills are makin you crazy”. 

When I sit here and write this I’m laughing. I am literally letting people control my emotions and anxiety. 

When do I get my power back? When will I not be afraid of speaking my mind even when it’s something that others might not agree with. When am I going to stand up for myself? 

The easy answer would be, now. The complex answer is I am learning how to do that every day. It’s a process, especially when coming from an emotionally dead personality. A personality that had the mentality that no one can move my needle. What a boring way to live. 

Who I want to be, who I will strive to be, is a person that is happy and spunky. Someone who doesn’t take herself so seriously. Someone who is goal oriented and keeps learning throughout life. I want to gain knowledge and work on having a marriage that is happy and functional. I want to be able to be vulnerable and 100% with my hubby. I want to be confident and happy with myself because this is how God made me, and God makes no mistakes. I want my life and relationships to have a strong foundation that comes from God. In my opinion the only way I will made it with my hubb is if we have God with us. I am in for a whirl wing of changes and emotions and to deal with them properly is going to take a lot of work. Work that I am willing to put in. I always here the best things in like are worth fighting for. or If it was easy everyone would do it. Maybe I don’t want it to be easy. Maybe I crave the hard and feel better about myself when we or I get over the tough stuff. 

I look forward to everything that I am about to learn and experience. I am going to need a whole lot of Jesus to adjust and keep me sane, but I am ready. 

My soon to be is amazing, side note, I really need to start giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am use to not telling anyone my thoughts because getting them to understand is really challenging for me, and I have lived my life through other people. They have made decisions for me. I am beginning to see that my soon to be is on my side, willing to work with me and understand me. I want to take him up on that. He is my person. 

Originally didnt think this post would be this long, but obviously there was some shit I needed to get out of my system, I need to not “stuff”. Thank you for reading.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

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Comments are welcome. I love hearing from people. 🙂

<3K