Feeling queasy

My nights decisions

More alcohol needed

I need to stop

I told my husband about feeling scared and sad

He asked if my music helps

It’s not uplifting

But depressing

I refuse to live in a world with no heart ache

If someone says it exists

They are lying

To Young To Know

She took your innocence

She was all to altruistic

She was supposed to keep you safe

With warm clothes and dinner plates

Instead she ate that pink yogurt

Plotting how she’d get your hurt

Watching and watching your every move

To show you what she had to prove

Thought’s From A Bulimic

ED lies. Feeling shackled in all the suffocation. The worry presented is enough to drive you insane. The fear of never being good enough. You can’t eat this, you can only eat that. If you eat this you will get fat. 

The unrealistic feelings that fat grows on your stomach the moment you put that food in to your mouth. The uncontrollable urge it brings, you have starved yourself for days and you just cant take it anymore. You indulge on everything. Failing and feeling guilty you get rid of all of it and the cycle starts over. 

 

Fighting To Be Happy

I feel like I am literally fighting with myself or my brain to be happy. Why do I feel like this? What is going on with me? I want to be happy so bad. Things are just setting me off. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I constantly feel annoyed. I constantly feel threatened. I want this anger to go away. I think I can only pretend for so long. 

Is it the meds? The BC?

I’m in so much physical pain. Am I working out to hard? Am I pushing it to hard, or is this just an extra exhausting week with peeps out-of-town?

Today my fiance and I talked about heaven and how amazing it will be. I can’t wait it. I can’t imagine, a perfect world, but I want to be apart of it. I am so thankful for the chance that we have to obtain that destiny. I can’t wait for no pain, no tears, and all love and happiness. Something to look forward to after life on this earth.

However until that time comes I need my brain to be rewired. I need help. I need to change and be stronger. I need to love my body, but I need guidance on how to do that. I need help seeing myself for who I really am, who I was made to be?

Although I am in the right spot in my life, I have a career, I am getting married, I have a step son, an amazing family, an amazing God watching over me, I still feel like I am just wondering through life, or coasting. What is my purpose. What do I do? How do I make a difference? How can I be helpful? How do I become a good wife, a Godly wife?

The next few years I need to learn this. I need to grow with my husband and we need to grow together closer to God. We need to be strong as a family of 4 with God right in the center. That means we have to work hard at doing that. I don’t think it will come easy. Like people say, the things you have to work for are the things that are worth it. I think that goes for any aspect in life. All of the current issues I am dealing with also. I know I can be stronger with God. I know I can be better. I want to be better.

Trying to wind down from a pretty frustrating loss from our game tonight, praying I get some good sleep.

Thank you for reading.

Sleep well everyone.

<3K

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