Manic Monday

Writing because if I don’t I’m afraid I am going to lose control and eat everything in the kitchen. I guess this is what recovery is…Taking control of those urges…. and knowing you can take control.

Its been an interesting day. Woke up feeling fine, got cranky as the day went on. At work, I am the different one. I am the odd one out now. I am the new J, or I feel like it. I am not like them.

I was, can still be, and am ashamed I acted like BK. Gossip, sadness, and insecurity is her life and nothing will change unless she learns how to stand up for herself.

Take the gossip out of my life, it’s not cool. No one likes to be talked about, and sadly, I am pretty sure it’s happening to me, I try not to care, I try not to think about it.

A famous quote I always try to keep in mind, ” What others think of me is non of my business “, Wayne Dyer.

It’s true. Words hurt and people are mean.

On good notes for the day, we are down to 4 days and 2 hours.

Bought two swim suites for the day. I tried them on in the store and tried not to degrade myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I need the strength to love myself and find who I am made to be.

The journey, its worth while I hear. The pain and heart ache, it’s worth it once you make it through.

That is what I think marriage will be like. A lot of pain, and a lot of hard times, but I know there will be love, happiness, and accomplishments, especially being with the one who gives strength to make it through the darkest times.



Big Fears Big Confidence

I want to write to you. 

Put my thoughts out.

I have a lot of fears.

I have fears of him cheating.

I have fears of him leaving.

I need these fears and thoughts to go away. I need to trust him.

He works hard, we work hard together.

Just because things are falling apart for others doesn’t mean it will happen to us.

Can we make it?

Make us make it!

I don’t want him to ever feel smothered or suffocated.

Ease the part of me that can do that to him.

I want him to feel loved and free.

That we are in this together, we are.

I am eating right now and I am not sure why.

I am not even hungry. It’s 10:23 PM and I am usually sleeping by now.

Its getting closer and I think I am more scared than I think I am.

People words haven’t helped me, and I pray that we are different.

I think that’s why I cried tonight. I need some comfort.

As I sleep tonight I pray for peace.

I pray to rest well and to wake up happy.

Teach me how to live according to your way.

Help us to always follow you.

I fall to my knees for you

I know you will make me strong

My confidence comes from you

I know with you I can do anything

I can get through anything




Feel the chang in your heart

The love others have to offer

The love You have to offer

He is changing you

You are better for it

To not feel so empty and sad inside

To not feel like such a failure 

He will teach you to be strong

He will comfort in times of chaos 

He is the foundation upon which you stand

He will never let go of your hand