Manic Monday

Writing because if I don’t I’m afraid I am going to lose control and eat everything in the kitchen. I guess this is what recovery is…Taking control of those urges…. and knowing you can take control.

Its been an interesting day. Woke up feeling fine, got cranky as the day went on. At work, I am the different one. I am the odd one out now. I am the new J, or I feel like it. I am not like them.

I was, can still be, and am ashamed I acted like BK. Gossip, sadness, and insecurity is her life and nothing will change unless she learns how to stand up for herself.

Take the gossip out of my life, it’s not cool. No one likes to be talked about, and sadly, I am pretty sure it’s happening to me, I try not to care, I try not to think about it.

A famous quote I always try to keep in mind, ” What others think of me is non of my business “, Wayne Dyer.

It’s true. Words hurt and people are mean.

On good notes for the day, we are down to 4 days and 2 hours.

Bought two swim suites for the day. I tried them on in the store and tried not to degrade myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I need the strength to love myself and find who I am made to be.

The journey, its worth while I hear. The pain and heart ache, it’s worth it once you make it through.

That is what I think marriage will be like. A lot of pain, and a lot of hard times, but I know there will be love, happiness, and accomplishments, especially being with the one who gives strength to make it through the darkest times.



Getting closer 

2 days and 14 hours away. I can’t tell you how blessed we are. All the money and gifts, all the family coming in from out of town. All my family here in town. 

I have a constant eager stomach ache (in a good way) waiting for everything to happen. Can’t believe it’s here. I’m so overwhelmed with happiness. 

Yesterday the in laws came in and treated us to dinner (we are spoiled), tonight my m-law is cooking dinner for us and the rest of the family arriving today (again, spoiled).


Fighting To Be Happy

I feel like I am literally fighting with myself or my brain to be happy. Why do I feel like this? What is going on with me? I want to be happy so bad. Things are just setting me off. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I constantly feel annoyed. I constantly feel threatened. I want this anger to go away. I think I can only pretend for so long. 

Is it the meds? The BC?

I’m in so much physical pain. Am I working out to hard? Am I pushing it to hard, or is this just an extra exhausting week with peeps out-of-town?

Today my fiance and I talked about heaven and how amazing it will be. I can’t wait it. I can’t imagine, a perfect world, but I want to be apart of it. I am so thankful for the chance that we have to obtain that destiny. I can’t wait for no pain, no tears, and all love and happiness. Something to look forward to after life on this earth.

However until that time comes I need my brain to be rewired. I need help. I need to change and be stronger. I need to love my body, but I need guidance on how to do that. I need help seeing myself for who I really am, who I was made to be?

Although I am in the right spot in my life, I have a career, I am getting married, I have a step son, an amazing family, an amazing God watching over me, I still feel like I am just wondering through life, or coasting. What is my purpose. What do I do? How do I make a difference? How can I be helpful? How do I become a good wife, a Godly wife?

The next few years I need to learn this. I need to grow with my husband and we need to grow together closer to God. We need to be strong as a family of 4 with God right in the center. That means we have to work hard at doing that. I don’t think it will come easy. Like people say, the things you have to work for are the things that are worth it. I think that goes for any aspect in life. All of the current issues I am dealing with also. I know I can be stronger with God. I know I can be better. I want to be better.

Trying to wind down from a pretty frustrating loss from our game tonight, praying I get some good sleep.

Thank you for reading.

Sleep well everyone.


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