I didn’t want to stop. They were good, but I had already had to much. I was loosing the control I had learned post trip. There was no rules, what I wanted I got. Back now and it feels hard to control it.
Exhaustion has hit
Eyes are drooping
The shuttle is full
Waiting until the next one arrives
Even then it will be full
To sleep in a new bed
To live in a new house
To see how it all works
It can’t com soon enough
I want to write to you.
Put my thoughts out.
I have a lot of fears.
I have fears of him cheating.
I have fears of him leaving.
I need these fears and thoughts to go away. I need to trust him.
He works hard, we work hard together.
Just because things are falling apart for others doesn’t mean it will happen to us.
Can we make it?
Make us make it!
I don’t want him to ever feel smothered or suffocated.
Ease the part of me that can do that to him.
I want him to feel loved and free.
That we are in this together, we are.
I am eating right now and I am not sure why.
I am not even hungry. It’s 10:23 PM and I am usually sleeping by now.
Its getting closer and I think I am more scared than I think I am.
People words haven’t helped me, and I pray that we are different.
I think that’s why I cried tonight. I need some comfort.
As I sleep tonight I pray for peace.
I pray to rest well and to wake up happy.
Teach me how to live according to your way.
Help us to always follow you.
I fall to my knees for you
I know you will make me strong
My confidence comes from you
I know with you I can do anything
I can get through anything
Things are changing
With constant nags
Will always be that way
My brain feels cloudy
My stomach is anxious
Slipping into sweet nothingness
Feelings are a mixture right now. I am listening to my parents fight. I fought with my little sister. I was a bitch to her. Why do I do that?
I want to binge. I want to eat everything. I want to eat and throw up. Eat Eat and Eat, Im writing so I don’t go in to the kitchen, because how do I deal with stress?? I eat everything or I don’t eat at all.
That didn’t last long because what did I do???? Yea I went in the kitchen and got chips and fruit snacks…
Today I went in to Victoria Secret, I suddenly realized why our society has the problems we do. Naked pictures of woman everywhere, skinnier than hell. You can’t get away from it. So how do you beat it? Of course it’s not real but when it is staring you in the face its hard not to wish it.
The reality is, I can’t not eat anymore. I don’t have the strength, I don’t even have the want to not eat. When I am not eating or I am throwing up I feel like shit. I can’t find that middle balance either. The balance were I feel good about myself and I am not to skinny, not to muscular, or I am not to fat.
There is freedom in changing the way you think about food and Portion control. With intuitive eating it is possible to eat proportionally correct and even lose weight and build muscle. I am learning how to do this and now can determine my head aches… Am I hungry? Do I need more water? Is this a stress head ache?
I always tell my therapist that no matter what happens it is never okay with anyone, but maybe that is the point. My life will never be absolutely okay with everyone, but it can be absolutely okay with me because it is my life, and I choose my happiness.
I am going to choose to be happy because life is too short to be unhappy, and……No one likes to be around a grumpy K. Is there a reason to wallow in sadness for me? I can come up with 1,000 excuses to wallow, but I can also think of 1,000 reasons to be happy.
I guess what they say is true. It is a journey. It’s a process and re wiring your brain is hard. Especially when you have had an eating disorder for half your life.
The hardest things in life are worth it, and this is definitely one of those hardest things in life..
Well thank you so much for reading, sorry it is a little depressing lately. I am going through a lot of changes both good and bad. Just trying to manage all of them.
ED lies. Feeling shackled in all the suffocation. The worry presented is enough to drive you insane. The fear of never being good enough. You can’t eat this, you can only eat that. If you eat this you will get fat.
The unrealistic feelings that fat grows on your stomach the moment you put that food in to your mouth. The uncontrollable urge it brings, you have starved yourself for days and you just cant take it anymore. You indulge on everything. Failing and feeling guilty you get rid of all of it and the cycle starts over.
I am exhausted and my anxiety level has been through the roof.
I can almost not speak when I experience this much stress and anxiety. I am locked in that concrete room screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to come and help me. I talk about this feeling in another one of my posts which you can find here.
I just don’t get it… How are you suppose to live without anxiety and stress. I don’t think it is even possible.
I am listening to this book right now called The DNA of Relationships and it talks about how you can’t take care of others needs when you are not taking care of yourself. It also talks about loving your neighbor as yourself, the second commandment, and it has made me think….. With the amount of hate I have towards myself, if I am able to re wire the brain and body that I have treated so horribly over the years and start to love myself, how much more love would I be able to give away to others.
This book and my therapist has led me to examine how to start taking care of me and how can I re-charge myself with Gods love and grace in the daily.
That’s how I want to live. That’s why I am in therapy and that’s why I’m reading these books, to become the best version of myself that I can.
I hope you all are having a wonderful day!