Manic Monday

Writing because if I don’t I’m afraid I am going to lose control and eat everything in the kitchen. I guess this is what recovery is…Taking control of those urges…. and knowing you can take control.

Its been an interesting day. Woke up feeling fine, got cranky as the day went on. At work, I am the different one. I am the odd one out now. I am the new J, or I feel like it. I am not like them.

I was, can still be, and am ashamed I acted like BK. Gossip, sadness, and insecurity is her life and nothing will change unless she learns how to stand up for herself.

Take the gossip out of my life, it’s not cool. No one likes to be talked about, and sadly, I am pretty sure it’s happening to me, I try not to care, I try not to think about it.

A famous quote I always try to keep in mind, ” What others think of me is non of my business “, Wayne Dyer.

It’s true. Words hurt and people are mean.

On good notes for the day, we are down to 4 days and 2 hours.

Bought two swim suites for the day. I tried them on in the store and tried not to degrade myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I need the strength to love myself and find who I am made to be.

The journey, its worth while I hear. The pain and heart ache, it’s worth it once you make it through.

That is what I think marriage will be like. A lot of pain, and a lot of hard times, but I know there will be love, happiness, and accomplishments, especially being with the one who gives strength to make it through the darkest times.



I’m sorry 

I’m tired. I still feel hung over from the weekend.

 Im sorry for the bad decisions. 

I felt embarrassed by what I heard. 

I didn’t even sound like myself. 

I’m so sorry, please forgive me.

I don’t want to be my destructive self.

I want to be the one who loves to much.

I want to be proud and confident of who I was made to be. 

Teach me how to be that me. 

Free to Eat

A thanks for the blessings to eat. Learning that food can be your friend and not your enemy. Food is to survive, to starve is the worst feeling once you re wire your brain and learn to eat well and happily. To have energy, that pounding head ache subsides, exercising with joy instead of exhaustion. Loving others instead of annoyance. Being healthy and happy, feeling good, feeling strong. It may be the hardest lesson learned, but worth it when you come out on the other side.

Finding Happy When Overwhelmed

I feel extremely overwhelmed lately. Between my job and the wedding I’m about ready to lose it. My anxiety level has been through the roof this past week. I won’t bore you with the reasons why, but as to what it feels like to me to be overwhelmed. 

So first, I have had a pounding headache since Sunday morning. My ears are pounding. My teeth hurt, lets just go as far as saying my head feels like it’s going to explode. 

Physically I feel exhausted and worn down. I feel like I have to keep fighting with my mind to stay productive throughout my work day as this will make me feel better. My feet ache. My shoulders are tight, and I have the normal tightening in my chest were I feel I can’t breathe. 

I’m dizzy and spaced and at any moment I feel like I might throw up. 

As for internally, I’m trapped in a jail cell or a room with no windows or doors, just cement walls, pounding over and over for someone to come find me and let me out. 

Sounds glamorous right??

Great things are ahead and I’m sitting here freaking about what is going wrong or who is mad or displeased with me…. some may call it people pleasing, as my fiancé would.

People pleasing has been a way of life ever since I can remember. If your going to die inside well you just better do that in the comfort of your own bed, in the dark, alone. 

When did I become this way??? I’m not even sure. However, therapy had made me 100% sure that I am emotionally retarded. When feelings and emotions start to creep over an intense conversation, guess who checks out…. yep, this girl. 

So how do I fix this? I don’t know, more therapy? That is what I am going for right now. I’m learning to be vulnerable with people, well mostly my fiancé. He needs to know this crazy inside and out. I am full of surprises and different sides of myself. 

I remind myself of the girl Melanie Martinez sings about in a couple of ways: 

Hah when you’re so stressed you don’t know if you should laugh or cry, but you feel like your dying. 

Needing prescriptions to get over some serious shit and deal with the anxiety that comes along with it, family says “the pills are makin you crazy”. 

When I sit here and write this I’m laughing. I am literally letting people control my emotions and anxiety. 

When do I get my power back? When will I not be afraid of speaking my mind even when it’s something that others might not agree with. When am I going to stand up for myself? 

The easy answer would be, now. The complex answer is I am learning how to do that every day. It’s a process, especially when coming from an emotionally dead personality. A personality that had the mentality that no one can move my needle. What a boring way to live. 

Who I want to be, who I will strive to be, is a person that is happy and spunky. Someone who doesn’t take herself so seriously. Someone who is goal oriented and keeps learning throughout life. I want to gain knowledge and work on having a marriage that is happy and functional. I want to be able to be vulnerable and 100% with my hubby. I want to be confident and happy with myself because this is how God made me, and God makes no mistakes. I want my life and relationships to have a strong foundation that comes from God. In my opinion the only way I will made it with my hubb is if we have God with us. I am in for a whirl wing of changes and emotions and to deal with them properly is going to take a lot of work. Work that I am willing to put in. I always here the best things in like are worth fighting for. or If it was easy everyone would do it. Maybe I don’t want it to be easy. Maybe I crave the hard and feel better about myself when we or I get over the tough stuff. 

I look forward to everything that I am about to learn and experience. I am going to need a whole lot of Jesus to adjust and keep me sane, but I am ready. 

My soon to be is amazing, side note, I really need to start giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am use to not telling anyone my thoughts because getting them to understand is really challenging for me, and I have lived my life through other people. They have made decisions for me. I am beginning to see that my soon to be is on my side, willing to work with me and understand me. I want to take him up on that. He is my person. 

Originally didnt think this post would be this long, but obviously there was some shit I needed to get out of my system, I need to not “stuff”. Thank you for reading.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

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Comments are welcome. I love hearing from people. 🙂