Free to Eat

A thanks for the blessings to eat. Learning that food can be your friend and not your enemy. Food is to survive, to starve is the worst feeling once you re wire your brain and learn to eat well and happily. To have energy, that pounding head ache subsides, exercising with joy instead of exhaustion. Loving others instead of annoyance. Being healthy and happy, feeling good, feeling strong. It may be the hardest lesson learned, but worth it when you come out on the other side.

Fighting To Be Happy

I feel like I am literally fighting with myself or my brain to be happy. Why do I feel like this? What is going on with me? I want to be happy so bad. Things are just setting me off. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I constantly feel annoyed. I constantly feel threatened. I want this anger to go away. I think I can only pretend for so long. 

Is it the meds? The BC?

I’m in so much physical pain. Am I working out to hard? Am I pushing it to hard, or is this just an extra exhausting week with peeps out-of-town?

Today my fiance and I talked about heaven and how amazing it will be. I can’t wait it. I can’t imagine, a perfect world, but I want to be apart of it. I am so thankful for the chance that we have to obtain that destiny. I can’t wait for no pain, no tears, and all love and happiness. Something to look forward to after life on this earth.

However until that time comes I need my brain to be rewired. I need help. I need to change and be stronger. I need to love my body, but I need guidance on how to do that. I need help seeing myself for who I really am, who I was made to be?

Although I am in the right spot in my life, I have a career, I am getting married, I have a step son, an amazing family, an amazing God watching over me, I still feel like I am just wondering through life, or coasting. What is my purpose. What do I do? How do I make a difference? How can I be helpful? How do I become a good wife, a Godly wife?

The next few years I need to learn this. I need to grow with my husband and we need to grow together closer to God. We need to be strong as a family of 4 with God right in the center. That means we have to work hard at doing that. I don’t think it will come easy. Like people say, the things you have to work for are the things that are worth it. I think that goes for any aspect in life. All of the current issues I am dealing with also. I know I can be stronger with God. I know I can be better. I want to be better.

Trying to wind down from a pretty frustrating loss from our game tonight, praying I get some good sleep.

Thank you for reading.

Sleep well everyone.


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Finding Happy When Overwhelmed

I feel extremely overwhelmed lately. Between my job and the wedding I’m about ready to lose it. My anxiety level has been through the roof this past week. I won’t bore you with the reasons why, but as to what it feels like to me to be overwhelmed. 

So first, I have had a pounding headache since Sunday morning. My ears are pounding. My teeth hurt, lets just go as far as saying my head feels like it’s going to explode. 

Physically I feel exhausted and worn down. I feel like I have to keep fighting with my mind to stay productive throughout my work day as this will make me feel better. My feet ache. My shoulders are tight, and I have the normal tightening in my chest were I feel I can’t breathe. 

I’m dizzy and spaced and at any moment I feel like I might throw up. 

As for internally, I’m trapped in a jail cell or a room with no windows or doors, just cement walls, pounding over and over for someone to come find me and let me out. 

Sounds glamorous right??

Great things are ahead and I’m sitting here freaking about what is going wrong or who is mad or displeased with me…. some may call it people pleasing, as my fiancé would.

People pleasing has been a way of life ever since I can remember. If your going to die inside well you just better do that in the comfort of your own bed, in the dark, alone. 

When did I become this way??? I’m not even sure. However, therapy had made me 100% sure that I am emotionally retarded. When feelings and emotions start to creep over an intense conversation, guess who checks out…. yep, this girl. 

So how do I fix this? I don’t know, more therapy? That is what I am going for right now. I’m learning to be vulnerable with people, well mostly my fiancé. He needs to know this crazy inside and out. I am full of surprises and different sides of myself. 

I remind myself of the girl Melanie Martinez sings about in a couple of ways: 

Hah when you’re so stressed you don’t know if you should laugh or cry, but you feel like your dying. 

Needing prescriptions to get over some serious shit and deal with the anxiety that comes along with it, family says “the pills are makin you crazy”. 

When I sit here and write this I’m laughing. I am literally letting people control my emotions and anxiety. 

When do I get my power back? When will I not be afraid of speaking my mind even when it’s something that others might not agree with. When am I going to stand up for myself? 

The easy answer would be, now. The complex answer is I am learning how to do that every day. It’s a process, especially when coming from an emotionally dead personality. A personality that had the mentality that no one can move my needle. What a boring way to live. 

Who I want to be, who I will strive to be, is a person that is happy and spunky. Someone who doesn’t take herself so seriously. Someone who is goal oriented and keeps learning throughout life. I want to gain knowledge and work on having a marriage that is happy and functional. I want to be able to be vulnerable and 100% with my hubby. I want to be confident and happy with myself because this is how God made me, and God makes no mistakes. I want my life and relationships to have a strong foundation that comes from God. In my opinion the only way I will made it with my hubb is if we have God with us. I am in for a whirl wing of changes and emotions and to deal with them properly is going to take a lot of work. Work that I am willing to put in. I always here the best things in like are worth fighting for. or If it was easy everyone would do it. Maybe I don’t want it to be easy. Maybe I crave the hard and feel better about myself when we or I get over the tough stuff. 

I look forward to everything that I am about to learn and experience. I am going to need a whole lot of Jesus to adjust and keep me sane, but I am ready. 

My soon to be is amazing, side note, I really need to start giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am use to not telling anyone my thoughts because getting them to understand is really challenging for me, and I have lived my life through other people. They have made decisions for me. I am beginning to see that my soon to be is on my side, willing to work with me and understand me. I want to take him up on that. He is my person. 

Originally didnt think this post would be this long, but obviously there was some shit I needed to get out of my system, I need to not “stuff”. Thank you for reading.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

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Comments are welcome. I love hearing from people. 🙂