Manic Monday

Writing because if I don’t I’m afraid I am going to lose control and eat everything in the kitchen. I guess this is what recovery is…Taking control of those urges…. and knowing you can take control.

Its been an interesting day. Woke up feeling fine, got cranky as the day went on. At work, I am the different one. I am the odd one out now. I am the new J, or I feel like it. I am not like them.

I was, can still be, and am ashamed I acted like BK. Gossip, sadness, and insecurity is her life and nothing will change unless she learns how to stand up for herself.

Take the gossip out of my life, it’s not cool. No one likes to be talked about, and sadly, I am pretty sure it’s happening to me, I try not to care, I try not to think about it.

A famous quote I always try to keep in mind, ” What others think of me is non of my business “, Wayne Dyer.

It’s true. Words hurt and people are mean.

On good notes for the day, we are down to 4 days and 2 hours.

Bought two swim suites for the day. I tried them on in the store and tried not to degrade myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I need the strength to love myself and find who I am made to be.

The journey, its worth while I hear. The pain and heart ache, it’s worth it once you make it through.

That is what I think marriage will be like. A lot of pain, and a lot of hard times, but I know there will be love, happiness, and accomplishments, especially being with the one who gives strength to make it through the darkest times.



Getting closer 

2 days and 14 hours away. I can’t tell you how blessed we are. All the money and gifts, all the family coming in from out of town. All my family here in town. 

I have a constant eager stomach ache (in a good way) waiting for everything to happen. Can’t believe it’s here. I’m so overwhelmed with happiness. 

Yesterday the in laws came in and treated us to dinner (we are spoiled), tonight my m-law is cooking dinner for us and the rest of the family arriving today (again, spoiled).



First outdoor run in this heat….. brutal. It’s not even an option anymore, sports bra and shorts. 2 miles not even made, got to work up to the normal with this heat and allergies.

Saturday’s are wonderful. No alarm clock to wake you up, no rush (most of the time), taking time to drink the regular cup of joe and eat breakfast. 

This morning the twins got to spend time together. Last minute wedding purchases. A butiful sparkley cuff diamond bracelet and matching earrings. Bridesmaid shirts for the girls. It was a perfect morning. Hit the tanning bed before meeting up with the soon to be (trying to get rid of those tan lines), talked with him about family issues, what else ;), then hit that hot 1.75 run. It feels silly that we only went that far, we are use to over 4 mile runs. 

It’s shower time, cold shower, then it’s off to birthdays and graduation parties. Adulting is awesome, isn’t it. 

Chugging water so the tast of wine can hit my tounge. Can’t be dehydrated. That didn’t end well last Monday. 

Climbing Mount O. With a hang over and feeling like shit the rest of the week… it was real classy….. Oh…. also, we climbed at least 5,000 feet in elevation. It was worth it. 

Today is great. Looking forward to the night. A week in counting until the big day. I can hardly believe it. 

Have a wonderful day! 


Big Fears Big Confidence

I want to write to you. 

Put my thoughts out.

I have a lot of fears.

I have fears of him cheating.

I have fears of him leaving.

I need these fears and thoughts to go away. I need to trust him.

He works hard, we work hard together.

Just because things are falling apart for others doesn’t mean it will happen to us.

Can we make it?

Make us make it!

I don’t want him to ever feel smothered or suffocated.

Ease the part of me that can do that to him.

I want him to feel loved and free.

That we are in this together, we are.

I am eating right now and I am not sure why.

I am not even hungry. It’s 10:23 PM and I am usually sleeping by now.

Its getting closer and I think I am more scared than I think I am.

People words haven’t helped me, and I pray that we are different.

I think that’s why I cried tonight. I need some comfort.

As I sleep tonight I pray for peace.

I pray to rest well and to wake up happy.

Teach me how to live according to your way.

Help us to always follow you.

I fall to my knees for you

I know you will make me strong

My confidence comes from you

I know with you I can do anything

I can get through anything



I’m sorry 

I’m tired. I still feel hung over from the weekend.

 Im sorry for the bad decisions. 

I felt embarrassed by what I heard. 

I didn’t even sound like myself. 

I’m so sorry, please forgive me.

I don’t want to be my destructive self.

I want to be the one who loves to much.

I want to be proud and confident of who I was made to be. 

Teach me how to be that me. 

Free to Eat

A thanks for the blessings to eat. Learning that food can be your friend and not your enemy. Food is to survive, to starve is the worst feeling once you re wire your brain and learn to eat well and happily. To have energy, that pounding head ache subsides, exercising with joy instead of exhaustion. Loving others instead of annoyance. Being healthy and happy, feeling good, feeling strong. It may be the hardest lesson learned, but worth it when you come out on the other side.