Manic Monday

Writing because if I don’t I’m afraid I am going to lose control and eat everything in the kitchen. I guess this is what recovery is…Taking control of those urges…. and knowing you can take control.

Its been an interesting day. Woke up feeling fine, got cranky as the day went on. At work, I am the different one. I am the odd one out now. I am the new J, or I feel like it. I am not like them.

I was, can still be, and am ashamed I acted like BK. Gossip, sadness, and insecurity is her life and nothing will change unless she learns how to stand up for herself.

Take the gossip out of my life, it’s not cool. No one likes to be talked about, and sadly, I am pretty sure it’s happening to me, I try not to care, I try not to think about it.

A famous quote I always try to keep in mind, ” What others think of me is non of my business “, Wayne Dyer.

It’s true. Words hurt and people are mean.

On good notes for the day, we are down to 4 days and 2 hours.

Bought two swim suites for the day. I tried them on in the store and tried not to degrade myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I need the strength to love myself and find who I am made to be.

The journey, its worth while I hear. The pain and heart ache, it’s worth it once you make it through.

That is what I think marriage will be like. A lot of pain, and a lot of hard times, but I know there will be love, happiness, and accomplishments, especially being with the one who gives strength to make it through the darkest times.

-kp

 

Changes

 

Feelings are a mixture right now. I am listening to my parents fight. I fought with my little sister. I was a bitch to her. Why do I do that?

I want to binge. I want to eat everything. I want to eat and throw up. Eat Eat and Eat, Im writing so I don’t go in to the kitchen, because how do I deal with stress?? I eat everything or I don’t eat at all.

That didn’t last long because what did I do???? Yea I went in the kitchen and got chips and fruit snacks…

Today I went in to Victoria Secret, I suddenly realized why our society has the problems we do. Naked pictures of woman everywhere, skinnier than hell. You can’t get away from it. So how do you beat it? Of course it’s not real but when it is staring you in the face its hard not to wish it.

The reality is, I can’t not eat anymore. I don’t have the strength, I don’t even have the want to not eat. When I am not eating or I am throwing up I feel like shit. I can’t find that middle balance either. The balance were I feel good about myself and I am not to skinny, not to muscular, or I am not to fat.

There is freedom in changing the way you think about food and Portion control. With intuitive eating it is possible to eat proportionally correct and even lose weight and build muscle. I am learning how to do this and now can determine my head aches… Am I hungry? Do I need more water? Is this a stress head ache?

I always tell my therapist that no matter what happens it is never okay with anyone, but maybe that is the point. My life will never be absolutely okay with everyone, but it can be absolutely okay with me because it is my life, and I choose my happiness.

I am going to choose to be happy because life is too short to be unhappy, and……No one likes to be around a grumpy K. Is there a reason to wallow in sadness for me? I can come up with 1,000 excuses to wallow, but I can also think of 1,000 reasons to be happy.

I guess what they say is true. It is a journey. It’s a process and re wiring your brain is hard. Especially when you have had an eating disorder for half your life.

The hardest things in life are worth it, and this is definitely one of those hardest things in life..

Well thank you so much for reading, sorry it is a little depressing lately. I am going through a lot of changes both good and bad. Just trying to manage all of them.

<3K

 

Thought’s From A Bulimic

ED lies. Feeling shackled in all the suffocation. The worry presented is enough to drive you insane. The fear of never being good enough. You can’t eat this, you can only eat that. If you eat this you will get fat. 

The unrealistic feelings that fat grows on your stomach the moment you put that food in to your mouth. The uncontrollable urge it brings, you have starved yourself for days and you just cant take it anymore. You indulge on everything. Failing and feeling guilty you get rid of all of it and the cycle starts over.