Pretty sure I’m getting sick. It would be the icing on the cake to my return home if this is the case, along with, paying for a traffic ticket, and blowing the tire on my car.
I think I need to sleep. There has been a lot stuffed in to these two weeks. I need to get back on track. I need the help to get control back.
I didn’t want to stop. They were good, but I had already had to much. I was loosing the control I had learned post trip. There was no rules, what I wanted I got. Back now and it feels hard to control it.
Exhaustion has hit
Eyes are drooping
The shuttle is full
Waiting until the next one arrives
Even then it will be full
To sleep in a new bed
To live in a new house
To see how it all works
It can’t com soon enough
I’m tired. I still feel hung over from the weekend.
Im sorry for the bad decisions.
I felt embarrassed by what I heard.
I didn’t even sound like myself.
I’m so sorry, please forgive me.
I don’t want to be my destructive self.
I want to be the one who loves to much.
I want to be proud and confident of who I was made to be.
Teach me how to be that me.
Things are changing
With constant nags
Will always be that way
My brain feels cloudy
My stomach is anxious
Slipping into sweet nothingness
ED lies. Feeling shackled in all the suffocation. The worry presented is enough to drive you insane. The fear of never being good enough. You can’t eat this, you can only eat that. If you eat this you will get fat.
The unrealistic feelings that fat grows on your stomach the moment you put that food in to your mouth. The uncontrollable urge it brings, you have starved yourself for days and you just cant take it anymore. You indulge on everything. Failing and feeling guilty you get rid of all of it and the cycle starts over.
I am exhausted and my anxiety level has been through the roof.
I can almost not speak when I experience this much stress and anxiety. I am locked in that concrete room screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to come and help me. I talk about this feeling in another one of my posts which you can find here.
I just don’t get it… How are you suppose to live without anxiety and stress. I don’t think it is even possible.
I am listening to this book right now called The DNA of Relationships and it talks about how you can’t take care of others needs when you are not taking care of yourself. It also talks about loving your neighbor as yourself, the second commandment, and it has made me think….. With the amount of hate I have towards myself, if I am able to re wire the brain and body that I have treated so horribly over the years and start to love myself, how much more love would I be able to give away to others.
This book and my therapist has led me to examine how to start taking care of me and how can I re-charge myself with Gods love and grace in the daily.
That’s how I want to live. That’s why I am in therapy and that’s why I’m reading these books, to become the best version of myself that I can.
I hope you all are having a wonderful day!