Fighting To Be Happy

I feel like I am literally fighting with myself or my brain to be happy. Why do I feel like this? What is going on with me? I want to be happy so bad. Things are just setting me off. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I constantly feel annoyed. I constantly feel threatened. I want this anger to go away. I think I can only pretend for so long. 

Is it the meds? The BC?

I’m in so much physical pain. Am I working out to hard? Am I pushing it to hard, or is this just an extra exhausting week with peeps out-of-town?

Today my fiance and I talked about heaven and how amazing it will be. I can’t wait it. I can’t imagine, a perfect world, but I want to be apart of it. I am so thankful for the chance that we have to obtain that destiny. I can’t wait for no pain, no tears, and all love and happiness. Something to look forward to after life on this earth.

However until that time comes I need my brain to be rewired. I need help. I need to change and be stronger. I need to love my body, but I need guidance on how to do that. I need help seeing myself for who I really am, who I was made to be?

Although I am in the right spot in my life, I have a career, I am getting married, I have a step son, an amazing family, an amazing God watching over me, I still feel like I am just wondering through life, or coasting. What is my purpose. What do I do? How do I make a difference? How can I be helpful? How do I become a good wife, a Godly wife?

The next few years I need to learn this. I need to grow with my husband and we need to grow together closer to God. We need to be strong as a family of 4 with God right in the center. That means we have to work hard at doing that. I don’t think it will come easy. Like people say, the things you have to work for are the things that are worth it. I think that goes for any aspect in life. All of the current issues I am dealing with also. I know I can be stronger with God. I know I can be better. I want to be better.

Trying to wind down from a pretty frustrating loss from our game tonight, praying I get some good sleep.

Thank you for reading.

Sleep well everyone.


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