Dream 6/22

Woke up, not sure how long I had been sleeping

There was a guy, he seemed creepy, not sure what happened while I was asleep or not coherent 

He said we had to go somewhere to get our clothes or to clean up clothes or something like that. 

We drove separate to some strange building and said something like look what we did 

There where bloody dead bodies in a ditch, I knew I didn’t kill them though 

He did

Then I woke up in my dream, and feared that what I saw was real. 

The “dream” repeated and I was at the same place he took me before. I was afraid to look. I looked at all the people around me and they seemed fine. 

I walked and looked in the ditch and no one was there. 

The place I was at turned in to some weird party. They sold beautiful jewelry and I knew no one there. 

A Hispanic girl kept throwing her jewelry and kept saying she didn’t want any of it. 

I walked around after she went outside and picked it up. I kept it. 

The party was getting close to being over, and I noticed there was a bar across the street. 

Then a boy came from the house, ran across the street, and hopped over the fence. He was to young to be in there. 

I knew this boy, a couple weeks earlier he said he wanted to kill himself and ended up in a mental hospital. 

I told his mother which wasn’t really his mother that I needed to talk to her, I was crying, before I could the police were walking him over to the house. 

His family left and I sat with a lady that was  explaining something to me that I can’t remember. 

I woke up. 

Manic Monday

Writing because if I don’t I’m afraid I am going to lose control and eat everything in the kitchen. I guess this is what recovery is…Taking control of those urges…. and knowing you can take control.

Its been an interesting day. Woke up feeling fine, got cranky as the day went on. At work, I am the different one. I am the odd one out now. I am the new J, or I feel like it. I am not like them.

I was, can still be, and am ashamed I acted like BK. Gossip, sadness, and insecurity is her life and nothing will change unless she learns how to stand up for herself.

Take the gossip out of my life, it’s not cool. No one likes to be talked about, and sadly, I am pretty sure it’s happening to me, I try not to care, I try not to think about it.

A famous quote I always try to keep in mind, ” What others think of me is non of my business “, Wayne Dyer.

It’s true. Words hurt and people are mean.

On good notes for the day, we are down to 4 days and 2 hours.

Bought two swim suites for the day. I tried them on in the store and tried not to degrade myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I need the strength to love myself and find who I am made to be.

The journey, its worth while I hear. The pain and heart ache, it’s worth it once you make it through.

That is what I think marriage will be like. A lot of pain, and a lot of hard times, but I know there will be love, happiness, and accomplishments, especially being with the one who gives strength to make it through the darkest times.