Truth

Yesterday we talked about working out 2 times in a day. The truth is, I can do it (most days), especially when I think about how it will make me look. I can but I can’t. I know that it isn’t good for my recovery. If you want me to replace my bulimia with excessive exercise I can do that. However, I am tired of living my life controlled by something. I have lived with this something dragging behind me for to long. It was getting to heavy and it has just lightened up. I can breathe, and I don’t feel worthless all the time.  I am starting to love myself, I can’t even remember ever feeling like this. I am learning that it’s okay to eat, it’s actually something to look forward to. I am learning portion control. I am learning how much I need to eat to get through my work out in the days so I don’t feel like shit after. I don’t want to feel exhausted anymore. I have been exhausted for years due to not taking care of myself. Treating my body like it didn’t matter. I hated myself, everything about me. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I was depressed and angry. I pretended to be happy and ‘”okay” for to long. I realize that it does no good to hide these thoughts and feelings. It only hurts me more. I have to work really hard to keep triggering thoughts out of my head. Yesterday I ended up working late, missing my game, and having to head home after work. My first thought was, my husband wont be home…. I can eat….and eat….. I pushed that thought out of my head, and cleaned did the laundry, dishes, and started writing. I had a cliff bar to have enough energy for my work out. It was a really big accomplishment. There have been so many times I would have given in to that thought before, eat everything in my site or everything that I could without anyone noticing that a huge amount of food is gone, and then go throwing it up. It would be too easy to get back in the swing of starving myself, or purging, and work out everything in my body if I worked out 2 times a day. Right now I just have to be careful.

Thank you so much for reading. 🙂

-KP

Young and Stupid

It was good to see him. My friend. I wish he could find a nice girl. He is sad, and I can see it every time he comes in, but I think he is happy to see me.

He says girls suck, he is right. Girls can be mean and drag your heart through hot coals, I know this because I use to be one of them. Not on purpose of course, but I strung my ex fiancé along for 2 years until he knocked up some girl. I would disappear and come back around when I was lonely.  I was young and stupid. I really hurt him, and I’m so sorry for that.

Feelin a Little Lonley

Kind of pathetic, but at work lately the feeling of not belonging is not going away. Working with women there is always gossip. There is an out, just don’t involve yourself. It sucks that if you don’t involve yourself in “gossip” at least at work, there is really not much they talk to you about. Being different from them doesn’t make it easier either. Work is off, it use to be a good place to be, and it still is, but when you are alone most of the time, it gets a little old.

The question is, am I doing this to myself? I like to be a lone, and I like to spend time at my desk. It is my quiet place. Relaxation time.

Silly that I am even talking about this, one of my friends came and said hello to me, and welcome back. He works on a different floor and his exact words were, ” I am so busy, but I wanted to say hi and I am glad your back.” It made me feel good, not forgotten. What goes around comes around, this is probably how J felt. I miss her.

 

 

It’s Not Real

Woke up, not sure how long I had been sleeping

There was a guy, he seemed creepy, not sure what happened while I was asleep or not coherent

He said we had to go somewhere to get our clothes or to clean up clothes or something like that.

We drove separate to some strange building and said something like look what we did

There where bloody dead bodies in a ditch, I knew I didn’t kill them though

He did

Then I woke up in my dream, and feared that what I saw was real.

The “dream” repeated and I was at the same place he took me before. I was afraid to look. I looked at all the people around me and they seemed fine.

I walked and looked in the ditch and no one was there.

The place I was at turned in to some weird party. They sold beautiful jewelry and I knew no one there.

A Hispanic girl kept throwing her jewelry and kept saying she didn’t want any of it.

I walked around after she went outside and picked it up. I kept it.

The party was getting close to being over, and I noticed there was a bar across the street.

Then a boy came from the house, ran across the street, and hopped over the fence. He was to young to be in there.

I knew this boy, a couple weeks earlier he said he wanted to kill himself and ended up in a mental hospital.

I told his mother which wasn’t really his mother that I needed to talk to her, I was crying, before I could the police were walking him over to the house.

His family left and I sat with a lady that was  explaining something to me that I can’t remember.

I woke up.