Yesterday we talked about working out 2 times in a day. The truth is, I can do it (most days), especially when I think about how it will make me look. I can but I can’t. I know that it isn’t good for my recovery. If you want me to replace my bulimia with excessive exercise I can do that. However, I am tired of living my life controlled by something. I have lived with this something dragging behind me for to long. It was getting to heavy and it has just lightened up. I can breathe, and I don’t feel worthless all the time. I am starting to love myself, I can’t even remember ever feeling like this. I am learning that it’s okay to eat, it’s actually something to look forward to. I am learning portion control. I am learning how much I need to eat to get through my work out in the days so I don’t feel like shit after. I don’t want to feel exhausted anymore. I have been exhausted for years due to not taking care of myself. Treating my body like it didn’t matter. I hated myself, everything about me. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I was depressed and angry. I pretended to be happy and ‘”okay” for to long. I realize that it does no good to hide these thoughts and feelings. It only hurts me more. I have to work really hard to keep triggering thoughts out of my head. Yesterday I ended up working late, missing my game, and having to head home after work. My first thought was, my husband wont be home…. I can eat….and eat….. I pushed that thought out of my head, and cleaned did the laundry, dishes, and started writing. I had a cliff bar to have enough energy for my work out. It was a really big accomplishment. There have been so many times I would have given in to that thought before, eat everything in my site or everything that I could without anyone noticing that a huge amount of food is gone, and then go throwing it up. It would be too easy to get back in the swing of starving myself, or purging, and work out everything in my body if I worked out 2 times a day. Right now I just have to be careful.
Thank you so much for reading. 🙂